Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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