haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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