You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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