It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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