Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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