went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
