he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
