I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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