I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
