Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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