you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
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