This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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