when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
