his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Randomize
