Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
