I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
