I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
