My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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