Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
