We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
