I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
