Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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