The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
