On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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