So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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