I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
