Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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