Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
