I feel like I'm in dance class right now
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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