Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
