Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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