I'm gonna have a badass scar
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
