its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
