it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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