I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize