he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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