Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
