you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
