apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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