My nipple is on Facebook.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
