Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Never joke about your clitoris.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
