You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
