I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize