gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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