I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
