I got chris browned last night
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
