I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You took a bar mat shot.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
