...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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