I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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