I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
