He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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