We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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