Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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