There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
