I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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