Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
