She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
