before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize